


Bert and Ernie

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-05
Updated: 2003-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-15 15:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14792789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Josh and Donna fluff





	1. Bert and Ernie

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Bert and Ernie**

**by:** Dee

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
 **Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
 **Category(s):** Romance  
 **Disclaimers:** His - And he's actually starting to deserve him again, I think.  
 **Rating:** YTEEN  
 **Author's Note:** Several

1.      This fic is totally based on spoiler information... but it is sort of hazy if that helps. I just can't help it - I'm nuts for them. Which sometimes really stinks because I was ½ through a fic about the Inaugural ball that now seems totally outdated - so I had to trash it. 

2.      I should also mention I'm a little sensitive right now. I just got a rejection from an agent -which when they come usually call into doubt any and all faith I have in my writing abilities so any feedback now would be especially appreciated. But if it's pity feedback... I can live with that. 

3.      In addition to my WWFF and my RL writing and my day job (I'm really a very busy girl) I also added at the urging of an efriend (that's you Evelyn! Thank you!) a website dedicated to pushing my books on unsuspecting people. Included on this site is an eRead that I'll be updating every two weeks. It's not Josh and Donna; it's not Eve and Elliot. It is Harry and Sally another dynamic duo that calls special attention to the perils of blind dating - a subject of which I am an expert. So if you want to chuckle at my love life - a topic I've always found excessively humorous, go on over and have a look. 

It's at www.stephaniedoyle.net 

  
Phew! All that said let's commence. 

"So what do I have today?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"You know... my schedule?" 

"Uhhuh." 

Josh watched Donna gazing out over his shoulder and knew that she wasn't really listening to him. In an attempt to capitalize on her inattentiveness he asked, "I need my dry cleaning picked up... you think you can do that for me?" 

Her gaze focused on him, her lips narrowed, and he cursed under this breath. He wasn't getting his dry cleaning picked up today. 

"You know what you need to do?" she began. 

"I can only imagine what this suggestion is going to consist of," he mumbled. 

"You need to do something stupid." 

Josh paused. "Why does that sound familiar to me?" he wondered aloud rolling the phrase around in his mind. 

"I don't know, but it's something you have to do." 

"Why?" 

"Because we need to reestablish some equality. I've been sensing a shift, one weighted towards you, and I'm not pleased." 

"Equality." 

"Yes." 

"Between us?" 

"Yes." 

"But how can that be? I'm your boss. I make more money. I have a bigger title. I drive a more expensive car..." 

"You're older," Donna added. He scowled at her but she continued to press. "This isn't about professional equality; it's about our relationship equality." 

"We ... have...a...a... relationship?" 

"Why is your voice all squeaky?" 

"Is it?" 

"You just did it again," she pointed out. 

Josh coughed into his hand. "Sinuses," he explained lamely. "Continue." 

"Lately, you've been pulling me out of a lot of jams," she admitted. 

"Donna..." 

"No, let me finish. Last year it was the thing from Congress, then you covered my butt with the whole moose meat thing, and..." 

Josh interrupted her speech with a snort. 

"What are you laughing at?" 

"You just said I covered your butt with moose meat. I got a visual." 

"Josh!" Donna shouted, then pouted. "This is serious. We used to be Bert and Ernie, Oscar and Felix, Thelma and Louise..." 

"Okay, stop right there. I was never Thelma." 

"No you were more like Louise. It's the way you wear your sunglasses. The point is now we're like the Skipper and Gilligan. Batman and Robin..." 

"Hold it. I'm sorry to keep interrupting, but I'm Batman in this little world you've created for yourself, right?" 

"Yes, and don't you see that's our problem." 

"Well, that and the fact that you've lost your grip on your sanity." 

"Don't make me hurt you," she warned. 

"Can Robin really hurt Batman?" 

Donna's eyes narrowed. 

"Okay. Sorry. You want me to do something stupid. But I really don't see how that is going to be possible. For I am a very..." 

"Yes, yes, yes. You're brilliant. Lottie dottie dah. That's why I'm asking you to do something intentionally." 

"You want me to intentionally do something stupid?" 

"So I can save you." 

Josh sighed, slightly frustrated. "Did we not have this conversation? Did we not say that you were no longer going to try and `save' people from themselves?" 

Donna clarified. "This is different. I'm not going to save you by sacrificing myself. I'm just going to bail you out of a situation. So we have equality. It's called reciprocity." 

"I know what reciprocity is, Donna," he said irritably. "But we already have it. You do lots of things for me." 

"But what you might not realize... you sort of pay me to do a lot of that." 

"You've done things for me that I don't pay you for." 

"Like what?" 

Josh sighed. "Like the time you took care of me after me I was shot. Uh hello. Look at everything you did for me back then. You brought me lunch, made me dinner, and helped me with all kinds of stuff. That was way beyond the call and you know it. I totally owe you for that." 

"I remember that," Donna conceded. "But that was a really long time ago. You're sort of catching up." 

"I am?" 

"It's very annoying." 

"Helping you is annoying?" 

"It was bad enough after the whole lying to congress and midnight diary trade..." 

Josh nodded. "Yeah, I really came through for you with that." 

"Then you had to go and make me an American... again." 

"Well you did all the studying for the test." 

"And then you did that nice thing for my teacher by having the President call her." 

He smiled in remembrance. "That was nice of me wasn't it? You know it's funny because Amy used to say... never mind." Nothing good came out of remembering what Amy used to day. 

"Yet another example. I could have saved you from that but I didn't." 

"Saved me from what?" 

Donna bit her lip. "Nothing. But I think I've made my point. You've done some really nice things for me, and I would like to repay the favor." 

"How about picking up my dry cleaning?" 

She glared at him again. "Not stuff like that." 

"How about a cake? I like cake." 

"No, it needs to be specific," Donna insisted. She stood and paced in front of his desk out lining her image. "You need to do something stupid, something that may or may not jeopardize your career, and then at the last minute when everything seems bleak, I step in and save the day. I can't save the day with cake." 

"Are you sure? Not even chocolate cake?" 

"You're not taking this seriously," she accused him. 

"You think?" Josh stood and gathered up his notes. "Now, even though you haven't gone over my schedule with me, I have a feeling I'm late for something." 

"You have staff," she said grumpily. 

"When?" 

She checked her watch. "Three minutes ago." 

"Donna!" He raced out of the office. Ever since the new reign of Debbie, being late for staff was enough to earn him one demerit. He hated demerits. 

Donna followed close on his heels. "Hey, what if I pull the fire alarm so nobody realizes you're late?" 

Josh stopped in his tracks. "You do realize that's a crime?" 

Donna considered that. "That would sort of fall into the category of sacrificing myself wouldn't it?" 

"Sort of," he confirmed and continued on his way. They reached the Oval Office and Josh confronted her once more. "Can I trust that you're not going to do anything?" When he didn't receive an answer, he pushed. "I mean it Donna." 

"Will you just consider my suggestion?" 

"No." 

"You know Josh this is really very selfish of you." 

"You mean not doing something stupid so you can bail me out and feel less guilty about the fact that I've helped bail you out in the past?" 

"Yeah, that." 

"I'm going." He turned and headed into the office. 

"You're late, Josh." Debbie stood in front of the Oval Office door. 

"I know," he sighed. 

"You know what this means?" 

"A free pass this time because it wasn't my fault?" he asked hopefully. 

"Close. One demerit." She opened the door and let him inside. 

Grumbling under his breath, Josh considered he might have to do something stupid soon before Donna got him in real trouble. 


	2. Bert and Ernie 2

**Bert and Ernie**

**by:** Dee

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
 **Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
 **Category(s):** Romance  
 **Disclaimers:** His - And he's actually starting to deserve him again, I think.  
 **Rating:** YTEEN  


"Aren't you going to thank me?" 

Donna stopped in her review of the folder order to take in Josh's suspiciously smug smile. "Thank you for what?" 

"You know... for giving you reciprocity, for making you Bert again. And can I tell you I really struggled with that. But after careful consideration I came to the obvious conclusion that you are in fact Bert and not Ernie." 

"Why?" 

"Bert is the tall yellow one." 

Donna frowned. "You think I'm tall and yellow?" 

"I think it's better than being short and orange." 

She paused at that. "True. And Bert was the more devious of the two." 

"So seriously, are we even now?" 

Donna's confused expression worried him for a moment until he realized she was probably just building up the suspense for him. To make her save all that much more dramatic in typical Donna Moss fashion. 

"Josh, I'm going to ask you something but I don't want you to freak out." 

"I hate it when you tell me not to freak out. You know that always makes me want to freak out more," he whined. 

"I know, but it can't be helped. Did you do something stupid that I should have been aware of, but that I'm clearly not aware of, because I don't know what you're talking about?" 

He stood up from behind his desk knocking his chair over in his urgency. "You mean you didn't see it?" 

Biting her lip, she shook her head. "See what?" 

"My expense report!" he shouted. 

"I don't do the expense reports anymore," she shouted back. "What did you do?" 

Josh went to sit down but without the chair behind him he fell to the floor. "Oh my gosh," Donna cried circling the desk. Looking up at her he said, "I don't think this is going to be a very good day." 

She reached down as together they got him back up into a standing position. "Okay, the key here is not to panic." 

"No the key is to make a pledge right now never to listen to you ever again. Why did I do that? Why?" 

"Because you were trying to give me reciprocity," she reminded him gently thinking that maybe the fall had stunted his memory. "I know what I was trying to do. I just should have known better," he yelled. 

"Do you really think it's fair to be yelling at me for something you did?" When his face turned to purple, she bit her thumb nail. "Okay, you can yell. But before you start shouting again, what exactly did you do?" 

"I deliberately added some things on my expense report that should not be there." 

"Like what?" 

"Like aftershave." 

"That's not bad." 

"And takeout Chinese food." 

"That's allowed..." 

"I wasn't traveling." 

"Oh. Okay. But none of those things are truly horrible. Even if Gina does find them..." 

"And a lap dance." 

Donna stopped. "I'm sorry?" 

"I thought it would be funny." 

"I'm not exactly an expert, Josh, but I don't think they are supposed to be funny. I think there more for... you know." "I know that," he said snarling at her as he righted his chair and sat. "I meant funny to put on the report. I didn't actually have a lap dance." 

"Ever?" 

"Why are you asking?" he wanted to know. 

"I'm curious to know if you're the type of man who enjoys a strange woman thrashing about on top of his lap." 

"No, I prefer to know the women thrashing about on top of me." 

"I thought so." Donna paused for a second as they both fell silent. "Did this just get awkward?" 

"Yes," he answered tightly, all too easily calling to mind the image of Donna thrashing about on top of him. "When did that happen? When did things like this become awkward between us? We always used to be able to talk about stuff like this." 

"I know. It's just.... Look, can we get back to the problem." 

Clearing her head of the worry that she was somehow becoming more distant from Josh, Donna refocused on what he'd done. "Okay, so you added the lap dance on the report and you put the report..." 

"On your desk," he finished. "In your top right bin where I've been putting my expense reports for the last four years." 

Donna snorted. "What? I have." 

"Josh nine times out of ten I fill out your expense report for you. In the rare event that you choose to do it yourself, you've left it on your desk, on Sam's desk, in a drawer, on the President's desk, and once in the men's bathroom, which I had to go in and get with my eyes closed the whole time." 

"Once again, Donna, focusing on the wrong thing here!" 

Feeling that she'd made her point she concentrated on the report. 

"Right. Let's see. Expense reports. I gave away some of the easier jobs to the new interns to break them in and free me up a little more for your stuff," she began. "I gave expense reports to..." Donna trailed off as she mentally sorted through her list of interns to determine who had gotten the job. When she finally remembered her eyes popped open and her mouth snapped shut. "Uh oh." 

"Uh oh? No, uh oh. I don't want to hear uh oh. Who's doing my expense reports?" 

"Star Trek girl," Donna admitted. 

"Uh oh." 

"I know," Donna winced. 

"She hates me." 

"She does." 

"I told her she had a fetish. I told her she was obsessed. I told her she shouldn't wear her pin." 

"You really were very mean." 

"Two days ago you told me I was being too nice." 

"I did, didn't I?" Donna struggled with the dichotomy of that. "I can be very contrary, can't I? And you can be both nice and mean. What do you think that says about us?" 

"Psych evaluation later. Find expense report now! Gina in the accounting department will have my head, and then she'll show it to Leo. I would rather not have to explain why I felt the need to add a lap dance on my expense report. Those things are public. Any reporter snooping around will find that and write about it. And I don't have to tell you what happens to you if that happens to me?" 

For a moment Donna considered his threat. "What would happen to me?" 

"Bad things," he replied. 

"Like what. Like docking my pay bad things, yelling at me bad things, or firing me bad things?" 

"You think I would fire you?" he asked shocked that she even mentioned it. "There are days when I think... yeah. It's not like I haven't made a slew of mistakes in the past. Ginger's never lied to Congress, but I think if she did, and Toby knew it..." Donna let the suggestion hang out there. "I wouldn't fire you." 

"Why?" 

He half laughed. "This is crazy. Do you want me to fire you?" 

"I don't. I just want to know why you wouldn't," she pressed. 

"'Cause," he answered defensively. 

""Cause why?" 

"Donna!" he shouted. "Can we not do this now? Reporters will come after me. And Toby will mock me!" 

Knowing he wasn't ready to give an answer, Donna nodded and turned. But the she stopped. "What's the matter?" Josh asked. 

Facing him, she winced. "It's just that Star Trek girl doesn't like me either. I told her not to wear the pin too." 

"So?" 

"So what if she already found the discrepancy in the report. What motivation does she have to give it to me? She might think we're in cahoots." 

"Did you just say cahoots?" 

"A little too Bonnie to your Clyde?" 

"Again with the couples," Josh sighed. 

"I'm just saying I think we're going to need a plan. Something better than Star Trek girl fork over the expense report or else." 

"We need a plan to ask for my expense report back," he stated still unbelieving that such a thing was possible in a world where he was the Deputy Chief of Staff. 

"I do. Something that doesn't tip her off. Something that doesn't have her thinking she should double check that photocopy she's already made." 

"Why would she photocopy my expense report?" 

"If you told me not to wear my space pin, theoretically speaking...I would be looking for ammo." 

"Have I ever told you not to wear your space pin, theoretically speaking?" 

"You want an actual count?" 

"So you're telling me you have ammo against me?" Josh asked stunned and slightly nervous. 

When she stretched out her arms to indicate how much, he actually shivered. 

"This is unreal," he moaned. 

Donna simply closed the door and pulled up a chair. "Now let's think...." 


	3. Bert and Ernie 3

**Bert and Ernie**

**by:** Dee

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
 **Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
 **Category(s):** Romance  
 **Disclaimers:** His - And he's actually starting to deserve him again, I think.  
 **Rating:** YTEEN  


"Are you ready?" Donna asked her partner in crime. 

"I want to go on record one more time as saying that I think we should just steal it back." 

"The record reflects your objection but has dismissed it." 

"The record can't do that," he complained. 

"Mine can." 

Josh sighed. "Okay, I'm ready. Together they walked up to Star Trek girl's desk where she was furiously typing a memo. 

"Hi, Janis," Donna said with a big grin on her face that she hoped didn't look as fake as it felt. When Josh said nothing, she nudged him with her elbow. 

"Hi, Janis." 

The woman with the thick glasses stopped her typing and turned to them. "Yes?" 

"I was just wondering if you had a chance to look at Josh's expense report from last week." 

"I did." 

Josh and Donna exchanged a practiced look. "And did you find something?" Donna asked. She began to fidget with her glasses. "As a matter of fact I did find something strange." 

"See, Josh, I told you she would find it." 

"You did," he agreed quickly. "I'm sorry for doubting you Janis." 

Janis looked confused. "You doubted me?" 

Panicking, Josh pointed to Donna. "Actually, she did. I said you would find it right away, but frankly Donna's been a little concerned with the quality of your work. So we put the ... you know... on there to see if you would catch it and you did. Congratulations," he finished lamely. 

"But you said just the other day that you were happy with my work," Janis stated turning to Donna. 

Shooting daggers at Josh, Donna tried to back track. "And I am. I was just concerned about this particular area. You said you had never checked expense reports before. And if you found what I think you found, I'm surprised you haven't said something to me by now." 

"You mean the lap dance." 

"Shh," Josh urged her as he checked the bull pen for stragglers. It was late, but there were still enough people around to over hear and make his life a living hell. 

Janis blushed slightly clearly uncomfortable with the situation. "I didn't want to tell you because I thought it might upset you." 

Now it was Donna's turn to be confused. "Why would I be upset?" 

"You know... because ... well, you two just got together and ..." 

"I'm sorry," Donna interrupted her. "Got together?" 

Janis smiled. "I for one think it's great. You see after Mr. Lyman..." 

"Josh." He corrected the name, but not the assumption. 

This made Janis blush again. "After Josh told me that I had this fetish with Star Trek, which I suppose was true, I did a lot of thinking. I didn't care so much about the Cardassians and the Romulans getting together like he said, but there was this period of time when Worf and Counselor Troy were involved in a relationship that I really liked to watch. But then the series ended and the movie reverted to her and Ryker and..." 

"Janis," Donna stopped her, fearing the woman had a lot more characters to work through. "What has that got to do with us getting together?" 

"Well, it's like Mr... Josh said. I was obsessing about characters that weren't real." 

"Do you see," Josh pointed out to Donna. "This is a reasonable woman. This woman listened to my advice and embraced it." 

"Put a sock in it," Donna muttered. 

"Anyway I thought it was time to concentrate on real people and real relationships. And that's when I realized that you two were together. And since then it's been fun watching for the little signs." 

"Only we're not together," Donna said, her voice raising a few decibels. "You're not?" Janis asked, seemingly confused. "But what about the signs?" 

"There are no signs," Donna insisted. "Josh, tell her." 

"We're not together," he said somewhat stiltedly. "Can I have my expense report back?" 

Donna looked at him strangely, then she turned back to Janis. "We're really not together." 

"Ohhh," Janis said as if she had just come to another realization. "I get it." 

Josh and Donna looked at each other then at Janis. "What do you get?" Donna wanted to know. 

"You want to keep it secret. You see at first Worf and Deanna tried to keep it secret what with her past relationship with Ryker, but..." 

Donna held up her palm to make the woman stop. "Can I have the expense report back?" 

The woman opened a drawer and pulled it out and handed it back to Josh. "And the copies," Donna added. 

Janis flushed slightly but pulled out another copy and gave it to Donna. "Both of them," Donna demanded. After a slight huff she opened a second drawer and gave Donna the other copy. 

"Is that all of them?" Josh asked still astounded that his employees were busy gathering dirt on him. "That's all of them," she confessed. "I was just holding out because I was hoping to ask for time off next week and I thought I might need the leverage." 

"Star Trek convention?" Josh guessed. 

Janis smiled. "I'm going as Dr. Crusher. Same red hair and all." 

Josh took the expense reports from Donna and walked away with Donna following close at his heels. 

As soon as they were once again in his office, Donna closed the door behind them. "Can you believe that?" she asked him. 

"I know. Two copies. What is up with that? And more importantly what else do you think is out there? Maybe we should have some sort of desk search." 

Donna shook her head. "Josh, I'm talking about the fact that she thinks we're together." 

"Oh." He sat down and began ripping up the reports. 

"You're not bothered by this?" 

He looked up at her. "No." 

"No!" 

"No. Why are you so bothered by what a temp staffer thinks?" 

"I'm not bothered. I'm just... bothered!" Donna flopped down in the chair across from his desk. "She said there were signs. What signs? I've been dating someone else for the past three months and she is seeing signs between us?" 

Josh sighed. "We've been down this road before, Donna. People don't get us and they misinterpret." 

"I really don't get that," she pouted. "We're just us." 

"Right. Us." He looked up from his task of ripping the copies into thirds. "So are you still ..." 

She looked up when he stopped talking.  "Still what?" 

"Still seeing him?" 

She shook her head. "You know what's really horrible. It was my idea to take credit for the thing, but then as soon as he let me..." 

"You lost all respect for him." 

"I'm never going to keep a boyfriend," she said despairingly. 

"Probably not." 

She glared at him but he was busy ripping the report up into tiny pieces. "We have a shredder." 

"You think I would trust this in the shredder? Someone could piece it together." 

"You're right. Top secret documents can go through the shredder, but your lap dance, now that's sensitive information." 

He didn't bother to reply, but when he was satisfied with the level of destruction he glanced back up at her. "So we're cool now, right." 

Donna looked at the mound of paper piled on his desk. "I suppose. That was awfully stupid." 

"Good. Then we're even. Back to being Bert and Ernie." 

"You know there are rumors they were gay." 

"Getoutahere." 

"Seriously." 

"Fine, then we'll be the other Bert and Ernie. You know the ones from your favorite movie." 

Donna smiled. "Oh that's right. I like them." 

"I know you do," he answered. "... I ...love... you... truuuly," Donna sang as she left Josh's office, remembering her favorite part from It's a Wonderful Life, when the cop and the cabbie, named Bert and Ernie sang for Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart. "Truly dear," Josh said back quietly. But she was already gone. One of these days, he was going to have to try that with her in the office. 

The End For Now 


End file.
